Deere & Co. Drives Away from Diversity

Deere & Co. Goes Un-Woke: A Tractor Tale of Diversity Dismissal!

Deere & Co. Drives Away from Diversity: A Tractor Saga

Moline, Illinois — Deere & Co., the world’s leading farm machinery maker, has taken a sharp turn away from diversity initiatives, steering directly into the path of conservative criticism. Following the lead of conservative commentator Robby Starbuck, who accused the company of “going woke,” Deere has decided to shift gears and focus solely on professional development, networking, mentoring, and talent recruitment.

“Because parades should be as straight as the furrows in a perfectly plowed field.”

Robby Starbuck: The New John Deere Spokesperson?

Robby Starbuck, the conservative commentator, seems to have found his new calling as Deere’s unofficial Chief Meme Officer. His online tirade against the company’s alleged support for Pride events and inclusive bathroom policies has led to significant changes. “We thought we were just selling tractors,” said an anonymous Deere executive, “but apparently, we were also running a secret diversity agenda.”

“Why bother with pronouns when everyone can just be ‘Marketing Manager’ or ‘Tractor Technician’?”

Cultural Awareness Parades are Out

In a bold move, Deere announced on social media platform X that it would no longer participate in cultural awareness parades. The days of rainbow-covered tractors parading through town are over. “Now our parades will be strictly business – driving in straight lines only,” quipped one employee.

Focus on ‘Professional Development’

Deere’s new focus is on “professional development.” This means avoiding any mention of diversity. “We’re developing professionals who can navigate through a field of controversy without getting stuck in the mud,” joked another employee.

Pronoun Panic

The company has also addressed the use of gender-based pronouns. Employees are now encouraged to identify themselves by their job titles instead. “Hello, I’m Marketing Manager,” is the new standard greeting at Deere.

“Switching from Pride events to cider making: because apples don’t protest.”

Bathroom Battles

The issue of bathroom usage has also been tackled. Deere’s bathrooms now come with a new sign: “Use at Your Own Risk. No Politics Allowed.” This move has been met with mixed reactions, mostly of confusion and bewilderment.

“Climate goals are out. After all, tractors run on diesel, not dreams.”

No More Pride Events

Pride events are now a thing of the past at Deere. Without these celebrations, tractors are back to their original color: green with envy of other companies that still celebrate inclusivity.

Resource Groups Gone Silent

Employee resource groups at Deere are now like Fight Club – their first rule is not to talk about diversity. These groups, dedicated to women, veterans, and people with disabilities, now exist in secret, operating in the shadows.

Diversity Data is Out

Deere’s new motto seems to be: “If you don’t count it, it’s not a problem.” By not submitting data to the Human Rights Campaign, the company is taking the “see no evil” approach to diversity.

Carbon Emissions? What Carbon Emissions?

Despite being known for their green tractors, Deere is now environmentally-unaware. The company has withdrawn its carbon emission goals, focusing instead on activities and giving that tie directly to business.

From Awards to Avoids

Deere’s website used to showcase a list of corporate awards for inclusiveness. Now, it’s award-free, like a game of hide and seek with their inclusiveness. “We’ve decided to avoid the topic altogether,” explained a Deere spokesperson.

“Deere’s new slogan: ‘Green isn’t just a color; it’s a lifestyle of traditional values.’”

Veterans, Women, and Disabled Resource Groups MIA

Deere’s resource groups for veterans, women, and people with disabilities are missing in action. “What do you call a resource group with no resources? A Deere & Co. business meeting,” joked an insider.

Social Media Meltdown

Deere is now more social on media than in real life. Their hashtag campaign #NoMoreWoke has gained traction, but mostly from bots and trolls.

“Deere is now more social on media than social in real life. Hashtag: #NoMoreWoke.”

$1.1 Million Settlement Shuffle

Deere recently paid $1.1 million to settle claims of systemic hiring discrimination. Their new corporate slogan might as well be: “Diversity – it’s worth every penny in fines.”

Conservative Critic Critics

Meanwhile, critics of conservative activists have noted their tendency to use too many vowels in their protests. “If only they could spell ‘inclusiveness’ without an eye-roll,” one observer remarked.

“Tractors should focus on farming, not on rainbow parades. Unless crops grow better with a side of glitter.”

Inclusion Illusions

Deere’s idea of inclusiveness now involves everyone equally ignoring the topic. “We’re inclusive in our exclusion,” said an HR representative.

Helpful Tips for Ag Companies

1. Stay Neutral: Avoid controversial topics in public statements. Stick to what you know best – in Deere’s case, tractors.
2. Transparency: Be clear about your policies and practices to avoid misunderstandings.
3. Focus on Core Values: Emphasize your company’s core mission and values in all communications.
4. Employee Support: Continue to support employees through professional development and networking opportunities.
5. Community Engagement: Maintain a positive relationship with your community through inclusive and supportive initiatives.

Disclaimer

This article is a whimsical creation entirely devised through a collaboration between a cowboy and a farmer. No AI was involved in crafting this satire, ensuring every laugh is homegrown and organic.