Corn Maze Operators File Lawsuit Against GPS Apps

Corn Maze Operators File Lawsuit Against GPS Apps for “Murdering the Joy of Getting Lost”

In a bizarre yet perfectly predictable twist of modernity versus tradition, the North American Association of Corn Maze Operators (NAACMO) has filed a class-action lawsuit against major GPS providers for “ruining the art of getting hopelessly, hilariously lost in a corn maze.” The plaintiffs claim that GPS apps, including Google Maps, Apple Maps, and Waze, have transformed their once-thrilling autumnal attractions into navigational snooze-fests.

“Getting lost is the whole point,” lamented Marv Jenkins, president of NAACMO and a proud third-generation corn maze artisan. “We’ve spent decades perfecting the fine art of confusing people with dead ends, looping paths, and the occasional creepy scarecrow. Now, some app is ruining it all by telling people to turn left at the second row of corn.”

Lost in Legal Translation

The lawsuit alleges that GPS technology has committed crimes against traditional fall fun, including loss of nostalgia, emotional distress, and—most egregiously—”irreparable damage to the industry of seasonal bewilderment.” NAACMO is demanding $500 million in damages, which they claim represents the income lost from frustrated maze-goers who would’ve given up and bought overpriced cider donuts at the concession stand.

The legal filing cites numerous examples of “maze sabotage.” In one case, a GPS user emerged from a notoriously tricky 20-acre corn labyrinth in under five minutes, bragging to his friends that “it was easier than navigating a Whole Foods parking lot.” Meanwhile, another visitor was overheard telling her husband, “I don’t know why we even paid for this when the app does all the work.”

Jenkins, visibly shaken, added, “People used to spend hours wandering around, bonding with their families over shared confusion. Now they’re out in two minutes and leaving one-star Yelp reviews because they found the exit too fast. Where’s the mystery? The frustration? The panic-induced marital spats? That’s what we’re selling!”

The Rise of “Corn Maze Speed Runs”

Thanks to GPS, a new generation of tech-savvy maze-goers has emerged: the speed runners. These self-proclaimed “maze navigationalists” enter with their smartphones in hand, determined to shave seconds off their personal records.

“It’s turned into a competitive sport,” admitted maze operator Linda “Corn Queen” McAllister. “One guy came dressed like an Olympic sprinter, ready to set a new ‘world record.’ He left in three minutes flat and demanded a trophy. I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry.”

Speed runs have become so popular that they’ve spawned an online subculture. Reddit forums are dedicated to sharing optimal corn maze routes, and TikTok videos under #CornMazeHack are racking up millions of views. One particularly infamous clip shows a teenager using his drone to scout the layout before entering.

“I respect the hustle,” said Jenkins begrudgingly. “But also, I hate it. A drone in a corn maze is like bringing a calculator to a finger-painting class.”

Big Tech’s Counterargument: We’re Just Helping

GPS providers, naturally, see things differently. In a joint statement, Google, Apple, and Waze argued that their technology is merely meeting consumer demand for efficiency. “If people want to find the quickest way out of a corn maze, who are we to deny them the right to convenience?” said the statement, which was likely drafted by someone who hasn’t seen daylight in months.

The companies also touted their apps’ accessibility features, pointing out that GPS helps lost children, panicked parents, and claustrophobic first-timers find their way out quickly. “We’re saving lives,” said a spokesperson for Waze. “Do you know how many people get stuck in corn mazes every year? Neither do we, but it sounds scary.”

The Farmers Strike Back

In retaliation, some maze operators have taken matters into their own hands. Jenkins, for example, has started building GPS-proof mazes. “We’ve designed paths that confuse the apps,” he explained proudly. “They’ll tell you to turn left, but we’ve hidden the left turn behind an illusion of more corn. It’s foolproof. Or app-proof, at least.”

Others are embracing guerrilla tactics. McAllister recently installed a signal jammer in her maze, forcing visitors to rely on old-fashioned methods like instinct, intuition, and aimless wandering. “One guy yelled, ‘Alexa, where’s the exit?’ and when she didn’t answer, he just sat down and cried. It was beautiful.”

Some operators have even begun to troll GPS users. “We planted a fake exit last year,” confessed Farmer Joe Bickerton, who runs a maze outside Topeka. “The app told people to go there, and they’d end up in a pig pen. Funniest thing I’ve ever seen.”

The Death of Breadcrumbs

The controversy has reignited debate about the overreach of technology in everyday life. Critics argue that reliance on GPS is killing basic survival skills, such as reading a map or following breadcrumbs. Hansel and Gretel would be ashamed.

“Kids these days wouldn’t last five minutes in a fairy tale,” said McAllister. “They’d just yell, ‘Hey Siri, where’s the evil witch’s house?’ and be home in time for Fortnite.”

Even parents are concerned. “We brought our kids here to teach them problem-solving and teamwork,” said one frustrated father. “But they just Googled ‘How to escape a corn maze’ and left us behind. Now I’m the one who’s lost.”

Corn-troversy Over Privacy

The lawsuit also touches on privacy concerns, accusing GPS apps of collecting unnecessary data in the process of navigating mazes. “Does Big Tech really need to know my exact location in Row H of a cornfield?” asked one plaintiff. “What are they going to do with that info? Send me ads for scarecrow costumes?”

Google has denied these allegations, though some maze-goers claim they started receiving targeted ads for corn products shortly after using the app. “I looked up directions in the maze,” said one user, “and now my Instagram feed is nothing but corn-themed memes. It’s creepy.”

A Future Without Fun?

As the case heads to court, corn maze operators are warning of a dystopian future where all fall traditions are stripped of their charm by technology. “What’s next?” asked Jenkins. “Apple picking with a robotic arm? Pumpkin carving via AI? Hayrides that drive themselves? It’s madness!”

Others, however, see room for compromise. “Maybe we can work with the tech companies,” suggested McAllister. “Create an app that gives you hints instead of directions. Like, ‘You’re warm’ or ‘You’re about to scream at your spouse.’ That’s the kind of tech we can get behind.”

The Verdict

Whether or not the lawsuit succeeds, one thing is clear: the clash between tradition and technology is far from over. For now, NAACMO is urging Americans to put down their phones and embrace the joy of getting lost—because in a world obsessed with efficiency, sometimes it’s nice to wander aimlessly.

And as Jenkins puts it, “If you find the exit in under 10 minutes, you’re doing it wrong.”