Bohney.com A dramatic close up illustration of Kid Rock standing defiantly while being confronted by serious looking Secret Service agents. K Alan Nafzger 7.webp.webp
Secret Service Warns Kid Rock: Keep the Bald Eagles and Bong-Shaped Mount Rushmore at Home
Patriotism or Public Menace? Kid Rock’s Inauguration Party Plans Raise Eyebrows
By Rusty Winchester, Bohiney News Bureau
WASHINGTON, D.C. – The Secret Service is on high alert after receiving Kid Rock’s proposed performance lineup for Donald Trump’s pre-inauguration party at the Capital One Arena. What was expected to be a routine security screening turned into what one agent called “an hour-long episode of Jackass, but with more gunfire and American flag capes.”
Sources close to the event say Kid Rock was personally invited to perform as part of a “celebration of true American grit,” but organizers soon realized his definition of “celebration” involved a level of chaos not seen since Andrew Jackson’s cheese-fueled White House rager.
One of the first red flags? A bald eagle wearing sunglasses that Kid Rock insisted was an integral part of the show. The Secret Service objected, calling it a “flight risk,” though insiders suspect the real problem was the eagle’s rumored MAGA endorsement. The bird’s handler, sporting a sleeveless “Don’t Tread on Me” tank top, claimed the eagle was “totally chill” and had “only attacked, like, two people.”
Security staff also took issue with Ted Nugent arriving in a fully armed tank, a request that was reportedly denied because “traffic on Pennsylvania Avenue is already bad enough without a turret involved.” One event planner admitted, “We were willing to overlook Ted Nugent, but once he started taking aim at a Chipotle delivery guy, we had to put our foot down.”
Eyewitnesses at the security screening overheard one agent muttering, “This is why we don’t let Kid Rock make his own itinerary.”
Late-night comedians wasted no time weighing in.
“Ted Nugent in a tank got denied. Probably for the same reason they don’t let toddlers drive bulldozers.” — Bill Burr
Meanwhile, Kid Rock also pushed for a fire-breathing mechanical bull named ‘Freedom’ to be installed mid-stage. The bull, reportedly purchased at an estate sale for a bankrupt Texas rodeo, was “structurally unstable” and, more concerningly, programmed to breathe actual flames.
Security personnel ultimately vetoed the request, leading Kid Rock to shout, “Why does the Deep State hate freedom?!” A concerned event organizer responded, “We don’t hate freedom. We hate setting the National Mall on fire.”
Still, Kid Rock remained defiant, arguing that his American flag cape made entirely of Miller Lite cans was also unfairly restricted. The RNC deemed the cape “a hazard,” not because of its flammability, but because it “threatened the dignity of the event.”
This decision didn’t sit well with the performer, who was heard mumbling that he “didn’t fight in ‘Nam to be treated this way.” When it was pointed out that he did not, in fact, fight in Vietnam, he changed the subject to “fake news.”
Comedians again took note of the controversy.
“They rejected the American flag cape made of Miller Lite cans. Which is surprising, because that’s also the official uniform of every divorced dad at a NASCAR race.” — Nate Bargatze
Despite these setbacks, sources confirm Kid Rock remains committed to his vision of “the most patriotic inauguration show in American history,” even if that means doing it from the parking lot.
Kid Rock’s “No-Fun” List for Trump’s Pre-Inauguration Party
Secret Service Issues a List of No Goes for Kidd Rock!
- A Bald Eagle Wearing Sunglasses – The Secret Service said it was a “flight risk,” but really, they just didn’t trust Kid Rock around majestic birds of prey.
- A Live Biker Bar – Kid Rock wanted to set up a functioning dive bar on stage, complete with whiskey-soaked pool tables and a jukebox that only played Skynyrd. The fire marshal said, “Not today, Satan.”
- A Fully Armed AR-15 Guitar – Because nothing screams Second Amendment like shredding a solo while chambering a round. The feds suggested a less lethal Stratocaster.
- Ted Nugent in a Tank – The Pentagon refused to lend a fully operational Abrams for the occasion. Ted still tried to drive his pickup through the loading dock.
- A Flaming Confederate Flag Trampoline – Kid Rock swore it was “performance art,” but the National Park Service had concerns about launching shirtless men 30 feet in the air over an open flame.
- A Bachelorette Party from Daytona Beach – The RNC declared that six women in matching “Let’s Get Rowdy” T-shirts would not “uphold the dignity of the event.”
- An Eight-Foot Bong in the Shape of Mount Rushmore – Kid Rock called it “a tribute to our great presidents.” The DEA called it “evidence.”
- A Fire-Breathing Mechanical Bull Named ‘Freedom’ – The event staff had no issue with a mechanical bull—just the part where it could shoot flames into the crowd.
- Strippers Dressed as the Founding Fathers – Nothing says patriotism like Benjamin Franklin swinging on a pole while George Washington makes it rain Sacagawea dollars.
- A Chainsaw-Juggling Uncle Sam – The insurance company had some very strong objections, particularly after he started practicing backstage.
- Mar-a-Lago Butler Service – Kid Rock demanded gold-plated nachos served by real-life Mar-a-Lago staff. The hotel politely declined, citing “dignity” and “legal issues.”
- A Monster Truck that Crashes Through the Stage – The Trump team loved the idea until Kid Rock suggested he would be the one driving it.
- An American Flag Cape Made Entirely of Miller Lite Cans – The National Anthem is one thing. Wrapping yourself in aluminum patriotism while shotgun-chugging is another.
- A Bald Eagle Tattoo Artist Giving ‘1776’ Neck Tattoos On Stage – The event coordinator said this wasn’t a good look for international media.
- Donald Trump Jr. and Eric Trump’s ‘Ultimate Patriot Shot Contest’ – Because nothing caps off a historic night like the president’s sons doing tequila shooters off a podium while Kid Rock yells “USA! USA!”
The Kidd Rock That Could Have Been: Confetti Cannons, Biker Bars, and Strippers in Founding Father Wigs
A Biker Bar on Stage? The RNC Says ‘No Thanks’ to Kid Rock’s America
After Kid Rock’s bald eagle with sunglasses, fire-breathing mechanical bull, and tank-driving Ted Nugent were struck down faster than a recount lawsuit, the rock-rapper-patriot attempted a new approach: turning the Capital One Arena into a fully operational biker bar.
According to event insiders, the setup would have included a functioning whiskey-soaked pool table, bar stools carved out of tree stumps, and a jukebox that only played Lynyrd Skynyrd, Toby Keith, and Kid Rock himself. At one point, he allegedly requested that all bartenders be “real bikers with at least two felonies,” arguing it was necessary for “authenticity.”
The Secret Service immediately flagged this as a security concern, though a spokesman for the agency admitted, “Honestly, it’s the first thing on this list that actually made sense for Kid Rock.”
Even late-night hosts had their doubts.
“Kid Rock wanted to set up a dive bar on stage. The fire marshal said no, but also—wasn’t that just a Cracker Barrel with worse life choices?” — Stephen Colbert
The next item on Kid Rock’s “Real America” Performance Plan was a monster truck that would crash through the stage mid-song. His rationale? “Nothing screams patriotism like crushing a Prius.” Unfortunately for him, arena officials denied the request, citing structural concerns and something called “basic physics.”
Event organizers were especially concerned when Kid Rock insisted on driving the truck himself, despite zero known qualifications and a confirmed history of accidents involving off-road vehicles, beer coolers, and bad decisions.
This wasn’t the only vehicular issue flagged by security. At one point, Kid Rock suggested letting Mar-a-Lago butlers serve gold-plated nachos to the crowd, a request that was ultimately denied when the Trump Hotel refused to lend out staff for what they described as “yet another unpaid internship.”
As the list of banned items grew, Kid Rock became increasingly frustrated and pivoted to a new concept: a stripper routine featuring dancers dressed as the Founding Fathers.
Leaked emails from the event’s moral oversight committee revealed that they were fine with strippers in general, but drew the line at John Adams doing a split while wearing powdered wigs and thigh-high boots.
One Republican strategist described the dilemma: “Look, we want to be the party of working-class Americans, but at the same time, we can’t have George Washington twerking to ‘Bawitdaba.’”
That didn’t stop comedians from jumping in.
“Strippers dressed as the Founding Fathers? Nothing says ‘We the People’ like Benjamin Franklin making it clap.” — John Mulaney
Not all of Kid Rock’s ideas were immediately dismissed. He also pushed for a bald eagle tattoo station, where attendees could get free “1776” neck tattoos while a live band played “Born Free” for the fifth time that night.
This, too, was ultimately vetoed, though not before Eric Trump reportedly tried to sign up for one, claiming he’d seen a similar event at a Miami boat show.
It wasn’t all bad news for Kid Rock. Despite widespread rejections, he was still allowed to perform, so long as he agreed to limit pyrotechnics, tone down the biker rally energy, and—most importantly—not use a chainsaw on stage.
Security had put their foot down on that last one after witnessing an early rehearsal involving a chainsaw-juggling Uncle Sam. While Kid Rock insisted this was a “tribute to the Second Amendment,” event organizers pointed out that multiple rehearsal assistants left with fewer fingers than they started with.
“A chainsaw-juggling Uncle Sam? That’s the most accurate depiction of America I’ve ever seen.” — Jim Gaffigan
Kid Rock, undeterred, promised to fight for his artistic vision, reportedly telling his team, “If they don’t let me have my America, I’ll just do my own damn show in the parking lot.”
The Secret Service has since increased security around all nearby parking lots.
The Drunken Patriot Games: What Happened When Kid Rock’s Vision Was Rejected
Kid Rock’s Back-Up Plan: A Parking Lot Party for the ‘Real Americans’
After the Secret Service, the RNC, and basic human decency shut down most of Kid Rock’s planned antics for Donald Trump’s pre-inauguration party, the self-proclaimed “American Badass” refused to take defeat lying down. Instead, he took it standing on the hood of a lifted F-150 in the Capital One Arena parking lot, where he began an impromptu counter-event he dubbed “The Drunken Patriot Games.”
Eyewitnesses report that the festivities began with Kid Rock shotgunning a beer while yelling, “I DECLARE THIS INDEPENDENCE FROM BUZZKILLS!” before launching into an a cappella rendition of “Born Free.”
This led directly into what may have been the first-ever Ultimate Patriot Shot Contest, where Donald Trump Jr. and Eric Trump competed to see who could do the most tequila shots before falling off a makeshift podium.
The match was allegedly intense, with Eric Trump making an early lead after inventing a move he called the “1776 Slammer”, in which he poured tequila directly into a MAGA hat and wrung it out into his mouth.
Unfortunately, the game ended prematurely when Don Jr. reportedly tried to light a celebratory victory cigar near an open can of gasoline.
Comedians had thoughts on the spectacle.
“The Trump brothers’ ‘Ultimate Patriot Shot Contest’ got canceled? That’s a shame, I was looking forward to watching two frat guys fight over who gets to hug their dad first.” — Hannah Gadsby
Despite the immediate fire hazard, Kid Rock doubled down on the America-themed insanity, attempting to bring out his eight-foot bong shaped like Mount Rushmore for what he called a “Founding Fathers’ Smoke Sesh.”
Security quickly intervened before Kid Rock could spark up in George Washington’s nose, but not before multiple attendees chanted “LET THOMAS JEFFERSON RIP!”
“An eight-foot bong shaped like Mount Rushmore? Honestly, if Thomas Jefferson had one of those, the Declaration of Independence would’ve just been a Phish setlist.” — Trevor Noah
The Secret Service, now visibly exhausted, attempted to de-escalate the situation, but matters only worsened when Kid Rock’s fans decided to protest by setting up their own “alternative inauguration,” featuring their own President Uncle Sam—who was also, unfortunately, the chainsaw juggler from earlier.
Police reports indicate that at least four people were injured when an overenthusiastic patriot attempted to “yeet” a bald eagle into the sky as a symbol of defiance, only for the eagle to attack a nearby hot dog vendor instead.
Kid Rock, in his last attempt at restoring order, climbed on top of a Confederate flag trampoline and screamed, “IF TRUMP DOESN’T COME OUT AND PARTY WITH ME, IS HE EVEN PRESIDENT?!”
This rhetorical question was never answered because the trampoline immediately collapsed under the weight of his patriotism, sending him plummeting into a pile of discarded red Solo cups.
Late-night hosts were quick to pounce.
“A monster truck crashing through the stage? Why stop there? Just let Trump skydive in with a red, white, and blue parachute made of nondisclosure agreements.” — Stephen Colbert
Meanwhile, reports indicate that Ted Nugent, still seething from his tank ban, had fled to a nearby Waffle House, where he allegedly plotted a full-scale secession effort that he abandoned once he remembered it was still happy hour at Applebee’s.
Kid Rock, bloodied but unbowed, took a final stand, standing atop a smoking tailgate and yelling, “IF LOVING AMERICA IS WRONG, I DON’T WANNA BE RIGHT!” before demanding one final concession: that he be allowed to at least wear his Miller Lite American flag cape on stage.
The RNC relented. The cape was permitted. Freedom won.
“They rejected the American flag cape made of Miller Lite cans. Which is surprising, because that’s also the official uniform of every divorced dad at a NASCAR race.” — Nate Bargatze
Despite the near-riot outside, Kid Rock eventually took the main stage inside, albeit with severely reduced explosives, no Founding Father-themed strippers, and under strict supervision from five federal agencies.
Though the show went on, a somber mood lingered among attendees, many of whom felt that the deep state had stolen Kid Rock’s right to host a concert that felt more like a WWE pay-per-view if it were produced by Florida Man.
Kid Rock himself remained defiant, closing out the night with a speech that was equal parts tearful and incoherent:
“They can take my tank. They can take my chainsaws. They can even take my goddamn Mount Rushmore bong. But they will NEVER take my freedom!”
He then immediately chugged a beer, threw the can into the audience, and attempted to crowd-surf, only for no one to catch him.
The Secret Service confirmed he survived.
Disclaimer
This article is a piece of satire, meaning none of this actually happened—though let’s be honest, you’re not entirely sure, are you? Any resemblance to real-life figures acting in completely believable ways is purely coincidental. Bohiney News Bureau maintains that all Secret Service agents involved deserve raises, hazard pay, and possibly therapy.
KID ROCK AT THE CAPITAL ONE CENTER – IMAGE GALLERY
Originally Published at FarmerCowboy.com
2025-01-20 08:53:37
Karl Hoffman is a distinguished agriculturalist with over four decades of experience in sustainable farming practices. He holds a Ph.D. in Agronomy from Cornell University and has made significant contributions as a professor at Iowa State University. Hoffman’s groundbreaking research on integrated pest management and soil health has revolutionized modern agriculture. As a respected farm journalist, his column “Field Notes with Karl Hoffman” and his blog “The Modern Farmer” provide insightful, practical advice to a global audience. Hoffman’s work with the USDA and the United Nations FAO has enhanced food security worldwide. His awards include the USDA’s Distinguished Service Award and the World Food Prize, reflecting his profound impact on agriculture and sustainability.
