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There comes a point in every man’s life when he undertakes burning a stump. Man versus stump–it is a rite of passage, a tale as old as time, and a prime business opportunity for makeup artists specializing in eyebrows. Many a man has tried to hasten the combustion of stump by squirting lighter fluid onto a pile of smoldering embers. Many a man has provided a blank canvas for artistic representations of coarse, tangled arches. Some makeup artists will offer special group rates and throw in an eyebrow for free, depending on how many men were standing around the stump at the time of the flare up.
Instead of using a petroleum-based accelerant, it is best to slowly and diligently build a bonfire over the stump with natural substances, like twigs and sticks, branches and logs, boards and dimensional lumber–anything larger than a 6 x 6 is hardly necessary, though it does provide a stable base for a long-lasting conflagration.
How large should your bonfire be to adequately burn the stump? In my opinion, you should trust your gut, which usually pipes up at about the same time you hear the sirens approaching. Most firemen are required, by their terms of employment, to discourage you from building mammoth bonfires over stumps. However, once off duty, they will likely join you to watch the stump burn, all while providing some scientific tips and tricks to spark up a little fiery whirlwind. If they are volunteer firefighters, they may even try to create a larger fiery tornado.
Much of the pleasure in burning a stump is staring at it. This probably has something to do with primal instincts and likely dates back to when cave men stared at stumps. Back then, men didn’t have TVs to stare at, so stumps were the most exciting thing around. Likely, cave women also stared at stumps, though they may have preferred watching different stumps. This could have caused bickering over who controlled the flint.
When we bought the old farmstead, I tried, over many months and years, to burn the stump of the giant oak tree that once stood behind our house. The stump won. It is still there. Maybe one day I will go back to burning it–my eyebrows still haven’t fully recovered from the first attempt, so I have little to lose.
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2025-02-10 16:04:54
Karl Hoffman is a distinguished agriculturalist with over four decades of experience in sustainable farming practices. He holds a Ph.D. in Agronomy from Cornell University and has made significant contributions as a professor at Iowa State University. Hoffman’s groundbreaking research on integrated pest management and soil health has revolutionized modern agriculture. As a respected farm journalist, his column “Field Notes with Karl Hoffman” and his blog “The Modern Farmer” provide insightful, practical advice to a global audience. Hoffman’s work with the USDA and the United Nations FAO has enhanced food security worldwide. His awards include the USDA’s Distinguished Service Award and the World Food Prize, reflecting his profound impact on agriculture and sustainability.
