Kamala Harris Concession Speech – Farmer & Cowboy

Kamala Harris

Howard University, Washington DC

11/16/24 at 12:34

UNOFFICIAL TRANSCIPT of Kamala Harris Concession Speech

“Thank you, thank you. No need for the solemn faces! After all, we didn’t lose; we just didn’t win. (pauses) And yes, there’s a difference—at least that’s what I keep telling myself.

I want to start by thanking every single one of you who worked so tirelessly on this campaign. You knocked on doors, you made calls, you handed out bumper stickers like they were candy. You even stuck around when I temporarily turned this campaign HQ into a Fantasy Football draft room. And honestly, I think that’s true commitment. So, thank you.

Now, let’s talk about the elephant in the room—no, not the one on the GOP logo, though I think they brought in a whole herd this time. Yes, it’s true: we’ve come up short this time around. But we didn’t go down without a fight! Well, actually, some days we just went down with some dance moves, and maybe a little bit of interpretive TikTok. But hey, I like to think we kept it fresh.

The results came in, and I’ll admit, I took a moment to process. In fact, if you’re wondering where I’ve been for the past few hours, I was at Disneyland working through all five stages of grief—while waiting in line for Rise of the Resistance. Nothing helps you accept a reality you don’t like quite like facing a line that’s 90 minutes long.

Let’s face it: I may not have won this election, but I did rack up the highest score in Candy Crush in the history of political campaigning! Yes, when you saw me holding my phone with both hands, deep in concentration, that was a different kind of battle. But that focus—dedication, even—shouldn’t go unrecognized.

For the last year, I’ve heard the word “concede” more times than I can count. And yet, every time, I thought, ‘No way, not me, I’m still holding out!’ I even thought about doing a “non-concession speech” just to keep things interesting. A little Schrödinger’s candidacy, if you will—where I’m neither in nor out. But my advisors finally convinced me that I should probably come out here and just, you know, say the words.

Now, I know some people thought my campaign focused a bit too much on issues that didn’t hit close to home for everyone. But you know, I thought that if I said ‘reproductive rights’ with enough gusto, maybe I’d convince the entire country that it’s the most important thing—right up there with inflation and gasoline prices! Turns out, a lot of Americans are still pretty focused on their bank accounts and that pesky grocery bill. Lesson learned, folks, lesson learned.

And of course, I heard there was some… shall we say, feedback about my stance on immigration. Apparently, quite a few people felt that my approach of ‘everybody in, let’s have a party!’ wasn’t universally embraced. But let’s be honest, who doesn’t love a good party?

So, here we are. The end of one road, but the beginning of… my vacation. I’ll be taking some time to really dive deep into what went wrong by binge-watching The Crown and maybe a little House of Cards for pointers. Oh, and I’ll finally have time to finish that chapter on ‘Winning Friends and Influencing People.’ You know, that’s really something I should’ve wrapped up last fall…

To my supporters, thank you. Thank you for sticking by me, and thank you for your endless texts, even if 90% of them were just GIFs of me laughing. I’ll miss those.

To my opponents: Congratulations. This is your win. And to the media—I’ll admit, you got me! But rest assured, I’ll be back, probably sooner than you’d like, and I’ll have a whole new set of hashtags ready.

And, to America: Don’t forget to keep working hard. And if you ever need me, I’ll be on TikTok trying to get my dance routine just right. After all, if I couldn’t be your president, I might as well aim to be your favorite social media icon.

Thank you, everyone. Remember, this isn’t goodbye. It’s just ‘see you later.’ (smiles) And probably on the front row of Rise of the Resistance.

Goodnight, America. And may the force be with you.”