Kamala Harris Considers New Career Paths

Kamala Harris Considers New Career Paths

From McDonald’s Drive-Thru to National Yoga Influencer

Washington, D.C. – Just days after losing the presidency to former President Donald J. Trump, Kamala Harris is reportedly mulling over her future with a fresh set of career options, some of which seem tailored more for a midlife crisis than a former vice president. From the golden arches to yoga mats, Harris is weighing a few unconventional paths back to the limelight.

First Stop: The McDonald’s Drive-Thru

Rumor has it Harris is considering a stint at McDonald’s, taking her first client outside of “the people” in years. One source, who requested anonymity because they work as the fry cook, said, “She’s planning to bring a new level of elegance to the drive-thru experience. She’s even coined the term ‘Kamala Combo’—a burger, fries, and a motivational pep talk. Honestly, it’s just the pep talk that’s different.”

But Harris is taking this opportunity seriously. “I’m not just flipping burgers,” she stated confidently. “I’m flipping expectations.” When asked what skills she would bring to the role, she nodded solemnly, “Diplomacy and soft-serve integrity. The ice cream machine will never be down on my watch.”

Yoga Instructor for America’s Stressed-Out Democrats

In another surprising twist, sources say Kamala is looking into a new career as a yoga instructor. With plans for classes in “Downward Diplomat,” “Warrior for the People,” and “Breath of the Ballot,” Harris reportedly wants to help America’s left-leaning demographic find zen after years of political whiplash. She has already launched a weekly Zoom series called Finding Peace When Democracy Crumbles.

“When life feels like a campaign trail with no snacks, I want people to remember: Breathe. And, uh, vote,” Harris explained. Her holistic approach to life post-election has already garnered attention, with die-hard supporters ready to put their campaign donation dollars toward a Harris yoga mat that’s rumored to come with a free copy of Resilience, Rejection, and Reality.

Kamala’s Stand-Up Comedy Debut: ‘We’re Still Laughing’ Tour

Fresh from her experience with political roasts, Harris is now dipping her toes into stand-up comedy. According to insiders, her first set titled “Where Are My Votes?” drew hearty laughs from a test audience in Sacramento. One audience member recalled, “She joked about campaign food being the new soul-sucking fast food experience, and about how ‘executive decisions are basically fast-food orders at 1 a.m.’ Honestly, it felt like a cathartic group therapy session.”

Her supporters agree this could be the new calling she’s been waiting for. “She’s like a political Ron White meets public servant Amy Schumer,” noted one fan, chuckling as he recounted her bit about the irony of winning every debate and still losing the race. “Comedy is democracy’s therapy,” Harris declared to cheers from the crowd.

Food Blogger Extraordinaire: ‘Taste the Freedom’

Harris has hinted that the campaign trail has opened her eyes to the unglamorous side of takeout, and she’s itching to start a food blog dedicated to “food for people who are no longer candidates.” Her debut post, titled “Burgers Are Better Without Polls,” is reportedly an ode to greasy delights not eaten on a press schedule.

“I want people to know that food without a pollster in the corner is like democracy without lobbyists—it just tastes better,” she shared. The blog promises to be part travelogue, part emotional release, with a dash of fast-food critique. It’s a unique twist on the post-political memoir genre, and some say it could be the feel-good blog of the year.

Launching ‘Kamazon,’ the All-American Retail Startup

Not one to ignore her entrepreneurial spirit, Harris is also allegedly considering a startup venture called Kamazon, a retail platform for American-made goods. According to leaked documents, her first product line includes “Biden’s Balm,” a peppermint-infused salve for stress, and “Pence-Picked Pennies,” a set of commemorative coins reminding customers that every vote counts (but not necessarily towards winning).

Supporters have already begun donating to the project, citing an undying faith in Harris’s mission to make shopping feel like a civic duty. “Each purchase supports democracy,” she explained in a hypothetical announcement for Kamazon, “and each customer review is a vote for integrity in online retail.” However, there’s one caveat: unlike Amazon, Kamazon won’t have two-day shipping, as the Harris team believes in a three-to-five-day “thoughtful deliberation period.”

Kamala’s ‘Self-Care for Survivors’ Series

Finally, insiders say Harris has been quietly meeting with wellness companies to develop a new self-care line aimed at “survivors of democratic discontent.” The line includes “Constitutional Calming Tea,” “Capitol Relief Bath Bombs,” and a lavender-scented “Unwavering Spirit Candle.”

“Self-care is crucial for everyone who’s survived 2024,” Harris said in a recent tweet. “Let’s light a candle and unwind… for the people.” Critics, however, have questioned her commitment, noting she’d likely leave the company as soon as the next election cycle rolls around.

Whether she’s serving burgers or deepening her yoga practice, Kamala Harris has no shortage of paths ahead. And while her time in office may be over, her journey is just beginning, as are the inevitable side hustles that come with being America’s almost president. For now, she’s keeping her options open, reminding us all that when one door closes, there’s always a drive-thru window.

As Harris herself put it, “When life gives you lemons, ask if they want them with their iced tea.”

Kamala Harris’s Next Career Move

The Saga of a Former VP with Plenty of Time and No Shortage of Options

Washington, D.C. – With the electoral dust settled and Kamala Harris out of office, the political world is abuzz with speculation: What’s next for the former vice president? Friends, aides, and political pundits all seem to agree—it’s “too soon” for her to contemplate her next move. In D.C. terms, that’s code for, “She hasn’t updated her LinkedIn yet.” But as the nation’s beloved former Veep considers her options, a few promising possibilities have emerged. Here’s a closer look at the entirely serious, not-at-all-satirical career paths Harris might be exploring.

1. Kamala 2028: “Miss Me Yet?”

Why not run for president again in 2028? After all, politics is the ultimate game of “maybe they’ll like me more after a four-year break.” If Kamala’s career were a romantic comedy, 2028 would be the third-act reunion scene, complete with awkward encounters and heartfelt confessions. With the magic of four years’ time, who knows? America might be ready to swipe right.

2. Back to the Senate (If She Can Find a Seat)

Returning to the Senate sounds reasonable… until you realize California’s got two shiny new senators who are about as likely to give up their seats as a toddler with a favorite toy. But Harris is not one to be deterred by minor obstacles like “currently occupied Senate seats.” Imagine her campaign slogan: “I may be overqualified, but I’ve got plenty of time.”

3. Lobbying: “For the People” (With Deep Pockets)

When asked about her career focus, Kamala often said, “I’ve always worked for the people.” And she’s technically not wrong—she could work for “the people” and charge $1,000 an hour to corporate clients. She’ll be the first lobbyist in history to claim, “This one’s for democracy,” while also securing a steady paycheck. Corporate America, brace yourself for lobbying with a side of idealism.

4. Writing a Memoir: “What Really Happened”

If political careers were books, Hillary’s memoir was What Happened, a reflection on her infamous 2016 loss. For Kamala, it’s likely to be What Really Happened—an insider’s view on the Biden years, Trump’s comeback, and how she truly felt about shaking hands with Republican leaders. Expect this book to fly off the shelves with pre-orders by supporters, critics, and anyone with a vested interest in unfiltered political gossip.

5. Think Tank Stint: AKA “The D.C. Holding Pattern”

Think tanks are like political purgatories where ex-politicians contemplate policy in limbo. Kamala could join a think tank for some much-needed time to, well, think. But let’s be real—everyone knows think tanks are just fancy waiting rooms for the next campaign. The only problem? In a think tank, “campaign slogans” become “policy research,” which doesn’t sound nearly as snappy.

6. Kamala Harris, McKinsey Consultant? Solving Problems She Created

What if Kamala joined McKinsey? She’d consult on policies she helped create, making it the ultimate feedback loop. It’s a bit like an artist critiquing their own painting, but with a much higher billable rate. She’d advise clients on how to “manage” policy red tape she helped invent, all while earning more than a VP’s salary for a “consultation” on streamlining democracy.

7. Going Full Thoreau: Hitting the Hiking Trails and ‘Self-Care’

According to Kamala’s post-election plans, she might be heading to the mountains for a long, well-deserved break. The plan? “Put on some pounds” and eat food that wasn’t served on a campaign plane. We’re picturing her on Instagram, in a mountain cabin, hashtagging #naturevibes and #nomorepolls. Watch out, Elizabeth Warren and Hillary Clinton: Harris may just claim the “hiking post-defeat” crown.

8. Food Blogging: “Taste the Freedom”

If the hiking trails aren’t calling, maybe the food blogosphere is. Harris could share the secret to finding great food without press junkets. Her debut post could be “Fast Food Freedom,” exploring how much better a burger tastes without a debate stage in sight. Harris’s blog would redefine “power lunch” as she samples everything from food truck fare to hot dogs at state fairs—without worrying about any politically charged aftertaste.

9. Private Law Practice, Specializing in “Cases for the People”

Returning to her legal roots could be an option. Kamala could start a firm dedicated to fighting parking tickets and HOA disputes, giving her a chance to reconnect with everyday Americans. Imagine her handling a parking ticket dispute like it’s a Supreme Court case: “Your Honor, this was not merely a violation of parking regulations but a grave injustice!”

10. Joining an Ad Campaign for Self-Care Products

Why not endorse a line of “refreshing” self-care products for politically fatigued Americans? The “Harris Self-Care Collection” could include lavender-scented candles for unwinding after reading the news, face masks for blocking out election stress, and a travel pillow that plays motivational speeches. Kamala could even create her own essential oil blend called “Civility”—the perfect antidote for political burnout.

11. Podcasting, AKA the Millennial Political Retirement Plan

With everyone and their dog starting a podcast, Kamala’s probably considering it. Expect weekly episodes of “You Lost Me at Democracy” where she offers political wisdom while fans call in to vent about current events. Harris could interview former colleagues, and once in a while, maybe a celebrity for that “relatable but still kinda famous” factor.

12. Becoming a Motivational Speaker: “How to Lose Politely”

Imagine Harris going on a speaking tour titled Losing Like a Leader. For only $200 a ticket, attendees could learn the art of losing gracefully, making exit speeches that win hearts, and dealing with “other party trauma.” She’d offer a series of guided meditations, like “Inhale the Votes, Exhale the Defeat.”

13. Teaching Campaign Strategy… with a Twist

Kamala could become a professor of campaign strategy, offering a unique course titled How Not to Lose… But If You Do, Here’s How to Handle It. She’d cover essential strategies like shaking hands, smiling at babies, and the art of sidestepping questions. Final exam? Performing an entire press conference without actually saying anything.

14. Joining “The Bachelor” as a Contestant Seeking the Perfect Running Mate

Why not join The Bachelor as a quest for America’s most politically aligned partner? Instead of roses, she could hand out tiny American flags, judging contestants on their policies, debate skills, and snack choices. One source claims her dream partner is “someone who can handle my resume without fainting.”

15. Creating a LinkedIn “Open to New Opportunities” Update with Serious VP Vibes

As Harris considers her next steps, one thing’s clear: she’s open to new opportunities. Imagine her LinkedIn profile: “Experienced leader with expertise in bipartisan charm, extensive ‘client’ experience, and a profound tolerance for both national and Senate-level debates.” As we wait for her next career pivot, one thing’s for sure—whatever comes next will be for the people.