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A Bold Stand Against the Terrifying Threat of Extra Letters
The Executive Order That Finally Protects Women… From Grammar
By Mindy Finklestien-Knockers
Trump just declared war on pronouns. Somewhere in a government office, an intern is nervously erasing “they/them” from all official documents while sweating profusely.
The executive order, titled Defending Women from Gender Ideology Extremism and Restoring Biological Truth to the Federal Government, is a mouthful—ironically, much like Trump’s own speeches. The policy bans gender-neutral pronouns, eliminates DEI programs, and reinstates the ancient belief that chromosomes should be government-certified.
A White House spokesperson clarified, “This is about restoring common sense. And by common sense, we mean whatever makes old people stop complaining about TikTok.”
Washington Only Recognizes Two Genders, Which is Rich Coming From Them
The federal government now officially recognizes two genders: male and female. Which is ironic, because Washington, D.C. itself has been in a political identity crisis for decades.
Washington has more flip-floppers than a beach resort gift shop. One day, they’re pro-choice, the next, they’re mandating womb check-ups. The same people who demand limited government somehow want that same government measuring our chromosomes with a ruler.
“The government says we have to go back to ‘biological truth.’ Great, because Washington, D.C. has always been known for being honest and transparent.” — Stephen Colbert
The biggest evidence of this irony? Congress itself. If we’re sticking to “biological truth,” then we should acknowledge that most of our lawmakers are ancient fossils that predate DNA testing.
Passports Are Now a Gender Crisis Waiting to Happen
Passports will only have ‘male’ and ‘female’ options again. TSA agents are thrilled—because nothing screams ‘national security’ like verifying someone’s chromosomes at 5 a.m. in a Newark airport.
A TSA agent, speaking anonymously (and possibly through tears), shared: “We’re already scanning people’s shoes, grandma’s soup, and their emotional baggage. Now we have to be gender detectives too?”
“So now passports will only say ‘male’ or ‘female.’ Which is weird, because most people just identify as ‘stressed and over it’ when dealing with TSA.” — Seth Meyers
Experts warn this could create delays at international borders, especially if someone’s ID doesn’t match their appearance. Meanwhile, your average American’s biggest concern remains why the hell are airport pretzels $9?
Feminism is Over, Ladies—You’re Welcome
Trump has single-handedly solved feminism. Women are now protected from gender ideology—but still have to pay taxes, do most of the housework, and deal with men explaining cryptocurrency to them.
A conservative spokesperson reassured women, “This order ensures that your gender is recognized by the government. The wage gap? Yeah, we’re still looking into that.”
“Trump says this protects women. Yeah, because the biggest danger to women was always ‘too many pronouns’ and not, you know, actual men.” — Sarah Silverman
So, ladies, congrats! You’re safe from “gender ideology,” but unfortunately, that coworker who calls you “sweetheart” while stealing your ideas is still very much employed.
Bathrooms Now Require FBI Clearance
Bathrooms will now be strictly monitored. Expect FBI agents to storm into stalls, demanding to see proof of ‘biological truth’ while you’re just trying to pee.
A government-issued memo reads: “All Americans should feel safe in the restroom—except for those who do not meet our newly outlined restroom integrity guidelines.” Translation? We will now have bathroom bouncers.
“So now the federal government won’t use ‘they/them’ pronouns. Good luck when the next political scandal breaks and officials have to explain that ‘they’ didn’t do it.” — Bill Maher
The irony? Politicians have spent decades getting caught in the wrong bathrooms, but suddenly, that’s what they care about?
Diversity, Equity, and Inclusion is Out. Lobbying, Nepotism, and Bailouts Remain
DEI (Diversity, Equity, and Inclusion) is dead. Meanwhile, nepotism, corporate lobbying, and gerrymandering remain alive and well, thriving like bedbugs in a budget motel.
“DEI programs got canceled, but corporate bailouts, government spying, and loopholes for rich people? Those are still totally bipartisan!” — Trevor Noah
We asked a conservative economist if they had considered reinstating fairness in corporate hiring. His response? “We don’t need diversity, because I once met a guy named José at my golf club.”
Trans Rights Are Gone, But You Can Still Buy 47 Flavors of Mountain Dew
Trans women are banned from women’s sports, but millionaires in Congress can still get insider trading tips. Just another day in ‘fair competition.’
“Trans rights are under attack, but we still have five types of Mountain Dew. America really knows how to prioritize.” — Hannah Gadsby
If we’re really concerned about fairness, how about banning hedge fund managers from using Congress as their own personal stock market cheat sheet? Or maybe making sure healthcare is a thing?
“Biological Truth” is the New Political Religion
Trump says this is about protecting ‘biological truth.’ Meanwhile, his hair and spray tan remain the two most advanced scientific mysteries of our time.
A White House scientist explained: “We’re bringing back science. Well, not climate science. Or medical science. Just the kind of science that lets us ignore people we don’t understand.”
“The White House now recognizes only two genders. This is ironic, because Trump himself identifies as both ‘billionaire genius’ and ‘victim of unfair treatment.’” — Jimmy Kimmel
Helpful Content for the Confused
Pro Tips for Surviving the New Gender Laws:
- If a federal employee refuses to use your pronouns, simply start calling them “Mr. or Mrs. Government Overreach.”
- Apply for a passport as “Male” or “Female,” but put your actual gender as “Over It.”
- Remember, America is about freedom—as long as you’re the right kind of free.
Disclaimer
This article is a completely human collaboration between two sentient beings—a cowboy and a farmer. No AI was harmed in the making of these jokes. However, a few government officials may have experienced an existential crisis.
Washington Gets Back to “Biological Truth,” Because That’s Never Gone Wrong Before
Trump’s executive order banning “gender ideology extremism”:
- Trump just declared war on pronouns. Somewhere in a government office, an intern is nervously erasing “they/them” from all official documents while sweating profusely.
- The federal government now officially recognizes two genders: male and female. Which is ironic, because Washington, D.C. itself has been in a political identity crisis for decades.
- Passports will only have ‘male’ and ‘female’ options again. TSA agents are thrilled—because nothing screams ‘national security’ like verifying someone’s chromosomes at 5 a.m. in a Newark airport.
- Trump has single-handedly solved feminism. Women are now protected from gender ideology—but still have to pay taxes, do most of the housework, and deal with men explaining cryptocurrency to them.
- Bathrooms will now be strictly monitored. Expect FBI agents to storm into stalls, demanding to see proof of ‘biological truth’ while you’re just trying to pee.
- DEI (Diversity, Equity, and Inclusion) is dead. Meanwhile, nepotism, corporate lobbying, and gerrymandering remain alive and well, thriving like bedbugs in a budget motel.
- Trump says this is about protecting women from gender extremism. Meanwhile, women’s actual dangers—like wage gaps, maternity mortality rates, and men named Kyle explaining their fantasy football drafts—remain unaddressed.
- Federal workers can no longer use gender-neutral pronouns. This is devastating news for the CIA, which now has to abandon its longtime policy of referring to whistleblowers as ‘they’ when they mysteriously disappear.
- Gender studies professors are now on the endangered species list. Expect to see them in the wild, trying to explain Judith Butler to confused baristas at Starbucks.
- Gender-neutral bathrooms will be replaced by ‘Men’ and ‘Women’ rooms. So, airports will now have three types of restrooms: Male, Female, and Occupied Because Someone is Changing a Baby.
- Somewhere, a Republican lawmaker is aggressively Googling ‘What is nonbinary?’ After which they will immediately introduce a bill to ban it.
- If your driver’s license says ‘X’ for gender, congratulations! You now belong to a secret government blacklist of ‘gender extremists’ who will be monitored closely… but only on social media, because real surveillance is expensive.
- Trump says this is about protecting ‘biological truth.’ Meanwhile, his hair and spray tan remain the two most advanced scientific mysteries of our time.
- Trans women are banned from women’s sports, but millionaires in Congress can still get insider trading tips. Just another day in ‘fair competition.’
- In other news, gender-neutral parenting books have been reclassified as ‘dangerous materials.’ But don’t worry—kids can still find a fully loaded AR-15 at Walmart next to the school supplies.
Trump’s executive order banning “gender ideology extremism”:
- “Trump just banned gender ideology. Meanwhile, Florida is working on a bill to make every newborn wear a tiny ‘I Love Capitalism’ onesie.” — John Mulaney
- “The government says we have to go back to ‘biological truth.’ Great, because Washington, D.C. has always been known for being honest and transparent.” — Stephen Colbert
- “So now passports will only say ‘male’ or ‘female.’ Which is weird, because most people just identify as ‘stressed and over it’ when dealing with TSA.” — Seth Meyers
- “DEI programs got canceled, but corporate bailouts, government spying, and loopholes for rich people? Those are still totally bipartisan!” — Trevor Noah
- “Trump says this protects women. Yeah, because the biggest danger to women was always ‘too many pronouns’ and not, you know, actual men.” — Sarah Silverman
- “The White House now recognizes only two genders. This is ironic, because Trump himself identifies as both ‘billionaire genius’ and ‘victim of unfair treatment.’” — Jimmy Kimmel
- “So now the federal government won’t use ‘they/them’ pronouns. Good luck when the next political scandal breaks and officials have to explain that ‘they’ didn’t do it.” — Bill Maher
- “Trans rights are under attack, but we still have five types of Mountain Dew. America really knows how to prioritize.” — Hannah Gadsby
- “Trump banning gender-neutral pronouns is like banning kale: only 5% of people actually care, but the ones who do are gonna be really annoying about it.” — Bo Burnham
- “This law protects women from gender ideology, but not from wage gaps, workplace harassment, or guys who call them ‘females’ unironically.” — Michelle Wolf
Originally Published at FarmerCowboy.com
2025-01-20 22:23:18
Karl Hoffman is a distinguished agriculturalist with over four decades of experience in sustainable farming practices. He holds a Ph.D. in Agronomy from Cornell University and has made significant contributions as a professor at Iowa State University. Hoffman’s groundbreaking research on integrated pest management and soil health has revolutionized modern agriculture. As a respected farm journalist, his column “Field Notes with Karl Hoffman” and his blog “The Modern Farmer” provide insightful, practical advice to a global audience. Hoffman’s work with the USDA and the United Nations FAO has enhanced food security worldwide. His awards include the USDA’s Distinguished Service Award and the World Food Prize, reflecting his profound impact on agriculture and sustainability.
