Trump Recommends Subsistence Farming – Bohiney News

Eggs, Agriculture, and the American Dream-Or Nightmare?

In a move that left both economists and chickens equally bewildered, former President Donald Trump recently suggested that Americans should return to “Subsistence farming” as a solution to skyrocketing egg prices. While the term “subsistence farming” has traditionally referred to small-scale agriculture where farmers grow just enough to survive, Trump’s rebranding as “Subsistence farming” implies an even more ambitious goal: growing actual nothingness.

“Egg prices are through the roof! It’s a disgrace. But you know what we had before Big Agriculture? Farmers! Great farmers. We had people growing things, real things. No GMOs, just good, solid, dirt-based food. That’s what we need again. Subsistence farming, folks!” – Donald Trump (allegedly, but probably)

So, is “Subsistence farming” the future of America, or just another way to ensure everyone gets a crash course in surviving famine? Let’s break it down.

The Eggflation Crisis: Who’s to Blame?

1. The Price of Eggs Is Outrageous-Or Is It?

Egg prices have skyrocketed in recent years, leading many Americans to clutch their grocery receipts like historical artifacts from the Weimar Republic. A dozen eggs in 2020 cost around $1.50; today, you’re lucky if you can walk out of a store with a carton for under $6. In some places, eggs have become so expensive that black-market omelet rings are rumored to be forming in underground diners.

“People are now trading eggs like Bitcoin. If you had a dozen eggs in 2020 and held onto them, you’d be richer than the guy who bought Dogecoin at the peak.” – Ron White

So, what’s the cause? Some blame supply chain issues, others point to bird flu, while hardcore conspiracy theorists insist that Big Egg is hoarding yolks in an undisclosed underground bunker. Trump, however, has a simpler explanation:

“The chickens are on strike. Lazy, terrible chickens. Back in my day, chickens laid eggs 24/7. Now? They’re taking vacations, demanding benefits. We’re gonna make chickens great again!”

The Return to “Subsistence Farming”-A Brilliant Plan or a New Dust Bowl?

2. Self-Sufficiency or Self-Starvation?

Trump’s proposal calls for a return to Subsistence farming-a practice long abandoned for modern efficiency, food safety, and the general well-being of people who like to eat more than just disappointment.

“Subsistence farming sounds great until you realize your main harvest is suffering.” – Jerry Seinfeld

Historians note that America’s past reliance on subsistence farming led to widespread poverty, poor nutrition, and a life expectancy that made social security an afterthought. But perhaps Trump is onto something. If you make people grow their own food, they stop complaining about egg prices because they’re too busy asking, “Does this wild grass count as dinner?”

3. Chickens on Welfare? The Poultry Productivity Problem

Trump, ever the business strategist, has identified another key issue: chickens simply aren’t laying eggs fast enough.

“We have to incentivize them. Maybe a little competition, maybe a little pressure. You lay an egg, you get to keep living on the farm. If not… well, we’ll see.”

While experts argue that chickens are already at peak performance, Trump’s solution seems to involve some sort of poultry Hunger Games.

Veterinary scientist Dr. Linda Pecker disputes this claim. “Chickens are not unionized, they are not on strike, and they do not have pensions. They just physically cannot lay an egg on command, no matter how much Fox News yells at them.”

The Science of Growing Your Own Food (Badly)

4. Can Americans Even Farm?

Let’s face it: Most Americans can barely keep a houseplant alive, let alone grow enough food to sustain themselves.

“People think farming is just putting a seed in the ground and waiting. It’s not! You need soil, irrigation, and an understanding that ‘miracle grow’ isn’t an actual miracle.” – Ron White

Studies show that over 85% of Americans have never successfully grown a tomato. How do we expect them to farm when most people’s exposure to agriculture comes from watching YouTube videos on how to revive their dying succulents?

5. How to Ruin Your Backyard in 3 Easy Steps

Subsistence farming isn’t just impractical-it’s a fast track to transforming every suburban backyard into a failed experiment in horticultural despair.

Common mistakes include:

• Planting in winter. (Just because Florida oranges exist doesn’t mean your Michigan corn will survive January.)
• Mistaking weeds for crops. (“Wow, this lettuce is so bitter!” …because it’s poison ivy.)
• Over-reliance on prayer. (Faith is great, but unless God Himself is tilling your fields, you’re gonna need fertilizer.)

America’s Glorious Return to Hunger

6. The Economics of Starvation: Is Trump Actually onto Something?

There’s a slim chance that Trump’s plan could work… if the goal is to radically reduce American obesity.

“Turns out, starvation is the most effective weight-loss program. It’s free, it’s efficient, and you’ll never be tempted to snack again.” – Ron White

Financial analysts predict that Subsistence farming could cause a dramatic reduction in food demand-because no one will have food. Grocery stores would shutter, fast-food chains would be replaced by “foraging hubs,” and Michelin-starred restaurants would start serving “sustenance-infused air.”

7. The Only Thing Worse Than High Egg Prices? No Eggs at All.

If Subsistence farming takes over, what happens to our favorite breakfast staple?

Experts predict a dystopian future where eggs become an underground luxury. Wealthy elites will smuggle egg whites in designer handbags, while the working class will barter in “egg credits.”

“Just imagine: A guy in an alleyway opens his coat and whispers, ‘You looking for some yolk? Fresh, Grade A.’” – Jerry Seinfeld

Meanwhile, regular Americans will resort to egg substitutes made from crushed dreams and regret.

The Political Divide: Farmers vs. Suburban Survivalists

8. The Rich Escape to Farm-Free Utopia

While regular Americans struggle to turn their backyards into edible landscapes, the rich will simply opt out.

“Billionaires don’t farm. They buy the farms and make the farmers farm harder.” – Ron White

Jeff Bezos will undoubtedly launch “Amazon Crop,” a service where Prime members can order farm-fresh produce while sipping imported lattes in their penthouse bunkers. Meanwhile, Elon Musk will promise to terraform Mars into a paradise for agriculture-despite not yet proving he can grow a potato on Earth.

9. The Inevitable Rise of Egg Cartels

If Subsistence farming replaces industrial agriculture, who benefits? Organized crime.

“Forget drugs-cartels are gonna start smuggling eggs like they’re Fabergé.” – Jerry Seinfeld

In this future, criminals won’t be running drugs, they’ll be trafficking hens. “El Pollón,” the feared Egg Kingpin, will oversee an empire built on illegal omelets.

Solutions? What Solutions?

10. Alternatives to Starvation Farming

Instead of forcing everyone into an agrarian nightmare, experts suggest:

• Price controls on eggs. (Radical, yet somehow less crazy than Trump’s plan.)
• Encouraging backyard chickens. (Until Karen complains about “the smell.”)
• Lab-grown eggs. (For those who don’t mind science playing chicken with nature.)

Yet, none of these ideas are nearly as fun as forcing Americans to fail at farming.

Conclusion: The Farm-to-Famine Pipeline

Trump’s “Subsistence farming” plan is a bold vision of an America where people reconnect with their food-mainly by realizing how much they miss grocery stores. It’s the perfect policy for those who believe hardship builds character, provided that hardship happens to someone else.

“Subsistence farming: because if you can’t afford food, why not just grow your own suffering?” – Ron White

Will it work? Probably not. But will it provide endless entertainment watching suburban dads try to “dominate nature” with nothing but a shovel and misplaced confidence? Absolutely.

So, grab your pitchforks, America-it’s time to farm your way into oblivion.

Disclaimer

This article is a 100% human collaboration between two sentient beings-one the world’s oldest tenured professor, the other a 20-year-old philosophy major turned dairy farmer. No AI, chickens, or ethical farming practices were harmed in the making of this satire. However, several economists have suffered minor head injuries from repeatedly banging their heads on their desks.

Trump’s Recommendation for Subsistence Farming

1. Subsistence Farming: Because Who Needs Eggs When You’ve Got Dirt?

“I mean, eggs were getting expensive, but is anyone really craving topsoil omelets?” – Jerry Seinfeld

Evidence: Agricultural experts say while eggs contain protein, Subsistence farming yields mostly “mud pies and regret.” Farmer Bob, an eyewitness from Iowa, confirms, “You ever tried scrambling dirt? It’s gritty.”

2. Trump Suggests America Return to the 1800s, Because the Future Is Overrated

“Why pay five bucks for eggs when we can starve like the good old days?” – Ron White

Evidence: Historian Dr. Susan Bland says, “Returning to Subsistence farming means returning to diseases we’ve eradicated. Cholera, anyone?”

3. Subsistence Farming: The New Farm-to-Table-Minus the Table

“Farm-to-table sounds fancy until you realize your table is now a patch of weeds.” – Jerry Seinfeld

Evidence: Social scientist Mark Frizzle’s survey found that 97% of restaurant-goers prefer actual food over “handfuls of grass.”

4. Trump’s Solution for Egg Prices: Chickens Need a Vacation

“Those hens are obviously burnt out-send ’em golfing at Mar-a-Lago.” – Ron White

Evidence: Veterinarian Dr. April Yokes noted, “Chickens under stress lay fewer eggs, but they still don’t appreciate luxury resorts.”

5. Trump’s Agricultural Policy: Make America Grow Potatoes Again

“You can’t tweet about eggs if you’re too busy peeling potatoes. Genius distraction tactic.” – Jerry Seinfeld

Evidence: A recent Pew survey shows 82% prefer hashtags over hash browns, proving potatoes will not replace Twitter anytime soon.

6. Forget the Chicken-Trump Insists the Egg Came First, at Inflated Prices

“If eggs get any pricier, we’ll be trading crypto for omelets.” – Ron White

Evidence: Economic analyst Max Friedman confirms, “Egg prices have risen 150% since last year, outpacing even avocado toast.”

7. Subsistence Farming: Because Chickens Clearly Aren’t Trying Hard Enough

“We’ve got lazy chickens-make ’em compete, Survivor-style.” – Jerry Seinfeld

Evidence: Agricultural economist Gail Rubinstein argues that hens laying fewer eggs isn’t laziness, it’s biology. “But who listens to scientists?”

8. Trump’s Agricultural Revolution: Growing Your Own Poverty

“Subsistence farming is perfect if you think grocery shopping is too convenient and enjoyable.” – Ron White

Evidence: Public opinion poll by CNN shows 94% of Americans prefer not starving. The other 6% misunderstood the question.

9. Eggs Over Easy-or Subsistence Farming Over Common Sense?

“Just imagine the kids today: ‘Mom, what’s for dinner?’ ‘Self-sufficiency and despair, honey.’” – Jerry Seinfeld

Evidence: Psychologist Dr. Marta Graves says returning to Subsistence farming may increase family togetherness-due to collective suffering.

10. Subsistence Farming: Trump’s Ultimate Diet Plan

“Turns out, starvation really is the fastest way to shed pounds.” – Ron White

Evidence: Nutritionist Dr. Helen Chu confirms, “Starvation technically works, but it’s a one-time-only diet.”

11. Eggs Are Expensive, So Let’s All Plant Rocks

“Maybe Trump’s onto something: Ever tasted rock soup? Neither has anyone else.” – Jerry Seinfeld

Evidence: Eyewitness Marge Huff reports, “I once mistook a stone for a potato-broke two teeth. Zero stars.”

12. Trump’s Subsistence Farming Policy: Who Knew Misery Could Be Organic?

“Organic misery tastes exactly like regular misery, but it costs twice as much.” – Ron White

Evidence: Economist Rob Fenton claims, “Organic farming often results in higher costs and lower yields-but now we’re aiming for no yields.”

13. Subsistence Farming: The Perfect Way to Appreciate Store-Bought Eggs

“After growing your own starvation, grocery store eggs seem reasonably priced.” – Jerry Seinfeld

Evidence: Sociologist Dr. Emma Carter notes, “People become far more grateful for refrigeration when their only option is dirt.”

14. Trump Proposes Subsistence Farming to Boost Morale-of Chickens

“We tried motivational speeches, but hens prefer existential threats. Works every time.” – Ron White

Evidence: Poultry researcher Dan Felderman says chickens do respond to threats-mostly by panicking. Egg production, however, remains unchanged.

15. Subsistence Farming: Because the American Dream Needs More Nightmare Fuel

“Farming your own desperation is the new American pastime-step aside baseball.” – Jerry Seinfeld

Evidence: Cultural analyst Sandra Lee says, “Subsistence farming is gaining popularity among those who miss the good old days of unnecessary hardship.”

Disclaimer:

This satirical exploration of Subsistence farming was crafted entirely through a genuine human collaboration between two fully sentient beings-a farmer who milks cows by day, and a cowboy who wrangles sarcasm by night. Neither AI nor chickens were harmed in the creation of this comedic content, though several potatoes have reported hurt feelings.