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Trump’s Indoor Inaugural Parade: The First Presidential Motorcade to Get Stuck Behind a Mall Walker
A Historic Procession… at a Snail’s Pace
By Ima Mallrat, Senior Satire Correspondent
Donald Trump’s latest historic moment came screeching to a crawl when his much-anticipated Indoor Inaugural Parade was brought to a standstill by an unexpected force: a determined 78-year-old mall walker named Mildred Kaplan. The former president, opting for an unconventional celebration inside the Capitol Mall (which he reportedly mistook for an actual shopping mall), found himself facing an opponent he could not overtake—at least, not without violating a food court code of conduct.
The First Presidential Motorcade to Get Stuck Behind a Mall Walker
- Trump’s inaugural parade was going great until a mall walker with a fanny pack and a dream set the speed limit at ‘grandchild’s first steps’ pace. — Jerry Seinfeld
- The motorcade got stuck so long behind the mall walker that Mike Pence started reminiscing about the time he got trapped in an elevator with Mother Teresa. — John Mulaney
- Secret Service couldn’t clear the route because every time they tried, Mildred hit them with, ‘I have been walking this mall since Reagan! You move!’ — Lewis Black
- The only thing that delayed the parade more than the mall walker was Rudy Giuliani stopping to demand a recount at the Cinnabon. — Seth Meyers
- Trump declared victory anyway, saying the parade was ‘the fastest, best parade, tremendous speeds, probably faster than NASCAR, believe me.’ — Stephen Colbert
Secret Service in Crisis
Trump’s motorcade had been designed as a grand spectacle, featuring a fleet of gold-plated golf carts, oversized American flags, and Don Jr. enthusiastically tossing “Trump 2028” hats into the air like a malfunctioning T-shirt cannon. However, the entire procession was forced to a halt when Kaplan, armed with orthopedic sneakers and a laser focus on hitting 10,000 steps, unknowingly blocked the former president’s route with the tenacity of a human filibuster.
Eyewitnesses report that Secret Service agents attempted to clear the path, but Kaplan, a retired substitute teacher, held her ground, responding only with a stern, “I’ve been doing this walk since Reagan! You move.”
Security footage later confirmed that Trump’s limo got caught behind a group of senior citizens debating whether to eat at Sbarro or Panda Express, a moment one reporter described as “a standoff not seen since the Cuban Missile Crisis.”
Make America Mall Again
What was supposed to be a triumphant event quickly descended into chaos. Reports from insiders suggest that the parade was carefully choreographed to be a five-minute loop through the Capitol Mall’s wide corridors, complete with confetti cannons, Fox News commentary, and a man dressed as Uncle Sam reading the Electoral College results from 2020 aloud “for good measure.”
However, the entire event took a turn when mall security, confused by the presence of armored limousines in a space typically reserved for teens loitering outside Spencer’s Gifts, attempted to intervene.
“They thought it was just another Florida retirement community field trip,” explained one anonymous staffer. “We didn’t have the heart to tell them otherwise.”
The MAGA Golf Cart Brigade vs. The Walking Club
Ivanka Trump, looking to capitalize on the fiasco, took to Instagram to announce a new line of “Presidential Parade Sneakers” designed for walking at a pace ‘even your father will respect.’ Meanwhile, Eric Trump attempted to speed ahead in his own golf cart but stalled in the Cinnabon parking area, requiring Don Jr. to coach him over speakerphone:
“Try putting it in drive, bud.”
Speed Limit: Whatever Ethel Says
Mildred Kaplan, dubbed “The Iron Lady of the Mall Walkers” by spectators, was not alone in her efforts. A well-organized brigade of senior citizens quickly formed a blockade, moving in perfect synchronization, forcing the Trump procession into a bottleneck near the Bath & Body Works.
The former president, increasingly frustrated, was overheard muttering, “I’ve never lost to a woman before, and I’m not starting now.”
Sources later confirmed that at one point, Trump personally attempted to negotiate with Kaplan, offering her a MyPillow, a free Truth Social subscription, and a “Mildred for Secretary of Health” appointment in exchange for a clear path.
Kaplan reportedly refused, countering with “I want a 50% senior discount at all Trump hotels and an express checkout lane at Walmart.”
First Executive Order: Fast Lanes for Presidents
In a desperate attempt to reclaim momentum, Trump declared a new executive order mid-parade, demanding an “express lane for very important motorcades.” Unfortunately, his announcement was drowned out by a group of retirees singing the golden oldies from a nearby JCPenney promotional event.
At this point, a mall cop on a Segway attempted to restore order but was promptly mistaken for the head of the National Guard. Trump, impressed by his posture, reportedly asked, “Want a cabinet position?”
Mall Security Steps In… to Nowhere
Confusion reached new heights when mall security attempted to guide the procession away from the food court. Unfortunately, their intervention was delayed when Rudy Giuliani got lost in a Cinnabon and began ranting about voter fraud in the cinnamon roll industry.
“He kept shouting something about ‘fake icing’ and ‘ghost calories,’” recalled one baffled employee. “We just gave him extra napkins and nodded.”
Detour Through the Food Court
With no alternative, Trump rerouted the parade directly through the food court, where the motorcade briefly stalled behind a group of teens taking TikTok videos. In a moment of quick thinking, Marjorie Taylor Greene tried to push through by shouting “Biden’s in the next Jamba Juice!” but was largely ignored.
Meanwhile, reports indicate that Mike Lindell attempted to pass out MyPillows to the confused crowd, accidentally hitting an elderly woman in the face with a memory foam travel pillow.
Breaking: Trump Mistakes Mall Walker for Nancy Pelosi
Adding to the confusion, Trump was seen pointing at Kaplan and exclaiming, “She’s been obstructing my parade for years!” The moment quickly went viral, with news outlets debating whether he had actually mistaken her for Nancy Pelosi or if he had just developed a new theory that all women over 70 were conspiring against him.
Ivanka Tries to Monetize the Event
Seizing the opportunity, Ivanka Trump launched an “Indoor Parade Survival Kit” featuring comfortable shoes, a Trump-branded pedometer, and a coupon for 15% off Trump Steaks (expired in 2015).
Meanwhile, Jared Kushner quietly disappeared into a Sunglass Hut, where he remained for the rest of the event.
Parade Ends in a Cliffhanger
Just as Trump’s limo was about to clear the last blockade of mall walkers, Mildred made a sudden hard right into Bath & Body Works, forcing the entire procession to grind to a halt once more.
As the event concluded, political analysts were left wondering: Was this a symbolic representation of Trump’s political career? A grand spectacle, stuck in place, ultimately defeated by senior citizens with better planning skills?
Mall Walkers 1, Trump 0
In the ultimate irony, the mall walkers actually finished their circuit before Trump’s motorcade even made it to the other side of the mall.
As one anonymous source from inside Trump’s team put it: “This was supposed to be a statement of power. Instead, it was just a reminder that democracy—and brisk walking—always wins.”
Trump’s Indoor Inaugural Parade – Image Gallery
Originally Published at FarmerCowboy.com
2025-01-20 08:51:32
Karl Hoffman is a distinguished agriculturalist with over four decades of experience in sustainable farming practices. He holds a Ph.D. in Agronomy from Cornell University and has made significant contributions as a professor at Iowa State University. Hoffman’s groundbreaking research on integrated pest management and soil health has revolutionized modern agriculture. As a respected farm journalist, his column “Field Notes with Karl Hoffman” and his blog “The Modern Farmer” provide insightful, practical advice to a global audience. Hoffman’s work with the USDA and the United Nations FAO has enhanced food security worldwide. His awards include the USDA’s Distinguished Service Award and the World Food Prize, reflecting his profound impact on agriculture and sustainability.
