Wild Pigs – Farmer & Cowboy

But this isn’t just a story about pigs gone wild. This is a story about survival, about farmers versus feral swine in a battle for the ages. It’s a tale of Boar Wars, Porkageddon, and the endless cycle of destruction these pigs bring with them. And it’s happening right now, in fields across the country.

1. Boar Wars: The Great Pig Invasion

The wild pigs have arrived, and they’re not just nibbling around the edges—they’re staging a full-scale invasion. Armed with tusks and a ravenous appetite, these boars are making their presence known in cornfields, peanut farms, and even suburban backyards. Farmers are likening it to an alien invasion, only instead of little green men, it’s 400-pound pigs tearing through crops like a hot knife through butter.

According to Gary Joiner, communications director for the Texas Farm Bureau, “These pigs are like the Darth Vader of the animal kingdom—relentless, powerful, and always hungry.” And just like in the movies, the farmers are struggling to defend themselves. It’s a battle of epic proportions, and right now, the pigs are winning.

2. Porkageddon: The Bacon Plague

Move over, locusts—there’s a new biblical plague in town, and it’s wrapped in bacon. These wild pigs are tearing through crops with the fury of a thousand angry chefs on a bad day. In Texas alone, wild pigs are causing over $500 million in crop damage annually, and that’s not even counting the damage they’re doing to livestock and water sources.

“We thought we had problems with locusts,” said one Texas farmer. “But at least locusts don’t weigh 400 pounds and come at you with tusks.” The biblical parallels are hard to ignore, especially when you see entire fields uprooted overnight. It’s like something out of a horror movie—except it’s real, and it’s happening on farms across America.

3. Oink-vestors: The High Cost of Pig Real Estate

These wild pigs are more than just a nuisance—they’re savvy real estate investors, and unfortunately, they’re investing in our farmland. The cost to farmers is astronomical, as these pigs destroy crops, pollute water sources, and spread diseases faster than a Wall Street banker spreads rumors.

In Alabama, peanut farmer Garret Dixon has seen his fields turned into a piggy paradise. “It’s like they’ve bought up all the real estate and are flipping it for profit,” he said. “Only instead of making money, they’re costing me a fortune.” And with the pigs multiplying faster than a stock market bubble, the cost of doing business is only going up.

4. Sow What?: The Reproduction Racket

If you think rabbits reproduce quickly, wait until you hear about wild pigs. These swine can start having piglets at just six months old, and they don’t stop there. With up to three litters a year and as many as 10 piglets per litter, the wild pig population is exploding faster than a politician’s campaign promises.

“Every time I turn around, there’s another litter of piglets,” said one exasperated farmer. “It’s like they’re trying to take over the world, one piglet at a time.” And with no natural predators to keep them in check, the pigs are free to reproduce—and destroy—at will.

5. Peanut Piggies: The Five-Star Buffet

Forget truffles—wild pigs have discovered peanuts, and they can’t get enough. Alabama’s peanut farms have become a five-star buffet for these swine, who root up the crops with the enthusiasm of a food critic at a Michelin-starred restaurant.

“They come in waves,” said Dixon. “One night, my fields are fine. The next morning, it looks like a piggy buffet.” And it’s not just peanuts—these pigs are equal opportunity destroyers, tearing through cotton, corn, and anything else that stands in their way.

6. Boarish Behavior: No Manners, No Mercy

Wild pigs are known for their bad manners, and they’re not about to change their ways. These boars don’t just eat—they destroy. They trample crops, uproot plants, and leave a trail of destruction that would make even the most seasoned farmer cry.

“It’s like they’re auditioning for an episode of Extreme Makeover: Farm Edition,” said one farmer. “Only instead of improving things, they’re making it worse.” And with no end in sight, farmers are left to pick up the pieces of their once-thriving fields.

7. Rooting for Trouble: The Piggy Renovation

Wild pigs aren’t content with just eating your crops—they’re also doing a little landscaping. These swine are rooting through fields like they’re planning a renovation, rearranging plants and uprooting seeds with reckless abandon.

“It’s like they’re trying to redecorate my farm,” said one frustrated farmer. “But I didn’t ask for a piggy renovation.” And with the pigs showing no signs of stopping, farmers are left to wonder what their fields will look like after the pigs have had their way with them.

8. Tusks of Terror: The Real Threat

Forget sharks—wild pigs with tusks are the real terror. These pigs can weigh up to 400 pounds and come equipped with tusks that would make a medieval knight jealous. And they’re not afraid to use them.

“These pigs are more dangerous than sharks,” said one USDA researcher. “They attack more people and cause more fatalities than you’d ever imagine.” In fact, wild pigs are responsible for nearly 20 deaths a year worldwide—more than three times the number caused by sharks.

9. Pig-nado: The Swirling Destruction

It’s like a tornado of pigs sweeping through farms, leaving destruction in its wake. These wild pigs are hitting fields like a whirlwind, uprooting crops, polluting water sources, and spreading disease faster than you can say “pork chops.”

“We call it a pig-nado,” said one Texas farmer. “It hits without warning and leaves nothing but destruction behind.” And with the pig population continuing to grow, it’s only a matter of time before the next pig-nado strikes.

10. Trapped in Trouble: The Piggy Escape Artists

Farmers thought they could outsmart these pigs with traps, but the pigs had other ideas. These swine are proving to be escape artists, slipping out of traps and evading capture like seasoned criminals.

“They’re like Houdini, only with tusks,” said one farmer. “I set the trap, and the next morning, it’s empty. But I know the pigs were there—they just outsmarted me.” And with each failed attempt, the pigs grow bolder, making it harder for farmers to catch them.

11. Hog Heaven: The Piggy Paradise

To these wild pigs, your farm is paradise. With endless crops to eat, water to drink, and no natural predators to worry about, it’s a pig’s dream come true. But to the farmers, it’s a nightmare.

“They’re living high on the hog,” said one farmer. “Meanwhile, I’m struggling to keep my crops alive.” And with the pigs showing no signs of leaving, farmers are left to wonder if their farms will ever be free of these porcine invaders.

12. The Boar Identity: The Piggy Disappearing Act

These pigs are like the Jason Bourne of the animal kingdom. They sneak in at night, do their damage, and disappear without a trace. By the time the farmers realize what’s happened, the pigs are long gone.

“It’s like they have a secret identity,” said one farmer. “They come in, do their damage, and then vanish into thin air.” And with the pigs proving to be masters of disguise, farmers are left to wonder if they’ll ever catch them in the act.

13. High on the Hog: The Piggy Lifestyle

These wild pigs are living the high life, eating crops and terrorizing farmers while we foot the bill. They’re like the ultimate freeloaders, taking everything they want without giving anything in return.

“They’re living better than I am,” said one exasperated farmer. “I’m out here working hard, and these pigs are just lounging around, eating my crops.” And with no end in sight, farmers are left to wonder how long they can keep up with the piggy lifestyle.

14. Boar-derline Insanity: The Piggy Invasion

These pigs aren’t content with just taking over one state—they’re crossing state lines and ready to take on the nation. From Texas to Alabama to Georgia, no state is safe from the piggy invasion.

“They’re like an army, marching across the country,” said one farmer. “And no one knows how to stop them.” With the pigs showing no signs of slowing down, farmers across the nation are bracing for the next wave of destruction.

15. Kaput Conundrum: The Piggy Poison Dilemma

Toxic bait is the latest weapon in the war on wild pigs, but even this high-tech solution has its problems. While Kaput promises to take down the pigs, some farmers worry about the unintended consequences.

“What if it affects other animals?” asked one concerned farmer. “What if it doesn’t work?” And with the pigs treating the bait like a gourmet appetizer, it’s clear that this battle is far from over.

Conclusion:

In the ongoing battle between farmers and wild pigs, it’s hard to say who will come out on top. The pigs are resourceful, resilient, and relentless in their pursuit of destruction. But the farmers are determined to protect their livelihoods, no matter the cost.

Whether it’s high-tech traps, toxic bait, or good old-fashioned hunting, farmers are pulling out all the stops to keep the pigs at bay. But as one farmer put it, “It’s like trying to hold back a tidal wave with a bucket.” And with the pig population continuing to grow, it’s clear that this battle is far from over.

Step-by-Step Guide to Wild Pig Attacks:

1. “The pigs ate your mail.” – Translation: The pigs are so bold, even the postal service can’t escape them.
2. “Your package was lost in transit.” – Translation: A pig found it first and decided it was worth rooting for.
3. “We apologize for the delay.” – Translation: The postal workers are still recovering from their wild pig encounter.
4. “We’re experiencing unforeseen circumstances.” – Translation: The pigs are staging a coup, and your mail is their first target.
5. “Your mail was damaged.” – Translation: The pigs got to it before you did.
6. “Your mail is out for delivery.” – Translation: A pig is running down the road with it.
7. “Delivery attempted, no access.” – Translation: The pigs have taken over your driveway.
8. “Your package was rerouted.” – Translation: The pigs have claimed your package as their own.
9. “We couldn’t deliver your mail today.” – Translation: The pigs are holding your mail hostage.
10. “Your mail has been delayed due to unforeseen circumstances.” – Translation: The pigs are plotting their next move.

Disclaimer:

The views and opinions expressed in this article are purely the result of a farmer and a cowboy trying to make sense of a world where wild pigs rule the land. Any resemblance to actual pigs, farms, or postal services is purely coincidental. No pigs were harmed in the making of this article—though a few may have been slightly offended.

From ruining crops to outsmarting traps, these feral foes are making farmers go hog wild!

Educational Observations

Boar Wars: These wild pigs are staging a full-scale invasion, and it’s not just the cornfields—they’ve got their tusks set on world domination.

Porkageddon: Forget locusts; the real biblical plague is 400 pounds of angry bacon tearing through your crops.

Oink-vestors: They’re investing in our farmland—unfortunately, it’s at a high cost to the farmers!

Sow What?: These pigs reproduce faster than a politician changes their mind, creating an endless supply of hoofed havoc.

Peanut Piggies: Alabama’s peanut farms are now the swine’s version of a five-star buffet. Who needs truffles when you’ve got peanuts?

Boarish Behavior: Manners aren’t their strong suit. They’d rather destroy your carefully planted crops than ask for a meal.

Rooting for Trouble: These pigs don’t just eat; they rearrange your fields like they’re auditioning for an extreme makeover show.

Tusks of Terror: Think sharks are scary? Try a wild pig with tusks that could double as medieval weaponry.

Pig-nado: It’s like a tornado of pigs sweeping through farms, leaving destruction in their wake.

Trapped in Trouble: Farmers thought they could outsmart these pigs with traps. The pigs thought wrong—and escaped with a laugh.

Hog Heaven: To these wild pigs, your farm is paradise. To you, it’s a nightmare.

The Boar Identity: They sneak in at night, do their damage, and disappear without a trace—Jason Bourne would be impressed.

High on the Hog: These pigs are living the high life, eating crops and terrorizing farmers while we foot the bill.

Boar-derline Insanity: They’ve crossed state lines, and now they’re ready to take on the nation. Next stop: Washington, D.C.?

Kaput Conundrum: Toxic bait is the latest trick in the book, but these pigs seem to be treating it like a gourmet appetizer.